Bert "Sledgehammer" Phillips
Tue, Feb. 24th, 2009, 10:54 am
Demetri Martin wrote this, it's actually really like it for multiple reasons
DAMMIT I'M MAD
Dammit I’m mad.
Evil is a deed as I live.
God, am I reviled? I rise, my bed on a sun, I melt.
To be not one man emanating is sad. I piss.
Alas, it is so late. Who stops to help?
Man, it is hot. I’m in it. I tell.
I am not a devil. I level “Mad Dog”.
Ah, say burning is, as a deified gulp,
In my halo of a mired rum tin.
I erase many men. Oh, to be man, a sin.
Is evil in a clam? In a trap?
No. It is open. On it I was stuck.
Rats peed on hope. Elsewhere dips a web.
Be still if I fill its ebb.
Ew, a spider… eh?
We sleep. Oh no!
Deep, stark cuts saw it in one position.
Part animal, can I live? Sin is a name.
Both, one… my names are in it.
Murder? I’m a fool.
A hymn I plug, deified as a sign in ruby ash,
A Goddam level I lived at.
On mail let it in. I’m it.
Oh, sit in ample hot spots. Oh wet!
A loss it is alas (sip). I’d assign it a name.
Name not one bottle minus an ode by me:
“Sir, I deliver. I’m a dog”
Evil is a deed as I live.
Dammit I’m mad.
Here are the rules - post this list on your profile (in Notes) replacing my answers with yours.
Tag some people to do the same thing.
If I tagged YOU, it's because I want to know more about YOU!
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Herbert Orlandah Phillips IV
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I think freshman year, although when did the 3rd Lord of the Rings come out?
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Fuck no. But I like my signature.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Unless I was a person that sucked
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
yes, but i would really not like the rope to be too long. i want to go skydiving way more.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
I guess Cracklin Oat Bran. But its a fatty-fat food, so I eat a lot of chex mixed with honey bunches of oats
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Old Navy Sandals
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Peppermint and/or mint chocolate chip
13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Are they fat?
j/k, assuming they are thin, I think probably their degree of social grace/energy
14. RED OR PINK?
Pink (like a deco umbrella)
15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Professionally lazy as shit
16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Brown cords and white/blue/maroon shoes
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
A little guy tell me about inheriting money
21. FAVORITE SMELLS?
woodsmoke, autumnal spices
22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
25. HAIR COLOR?
Brown (grey w/in 10 years)
26. EYE COLOR?
27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
28. FAVORITE FOODS?
Watermelon, cookies with a lot of salt in them, cobblers and pies of all types
29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Are we talking about handjobs here? Cause, yes
30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Snatch. Dunno what the last one I saw in theaters was.
31. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
32. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer, by a mile. I think I have SAD.
33. HUGS OR KISSES?
36. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW
In theory, I'm reading the Dream Songs, but I'm doing really bad at it. I read Poetry magazine.
37. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Dude. 2008. Laptops.
38. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
The City, oh god yes
39. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
airplanes and boats droning from a distance, musical harmony
40. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
41. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Venice I guess
42. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
go to www.meatspin.com
no just kidding, don't
43. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
-then there were a bunch of dumb questions-
44. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
34. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
35. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
-I will replace them with these questions, but it would be dumb to answer my own questions-
44. Have you ever been in a fistfight?
17. When you're down and out and need to retreat, do you want to be alone or around close friends/fam?
23. What is the coolest word you know? Your favorite word?
34. What do you want to be when you grow up?
20. What is the worst/best/weirdest dream you've ever had?
35. Lost or 24?
Sun, Jul. 27th, 2008, 08:57 pm
So I'm compelled to analyze Dark Knight.
Andy posted that on mansionsontour.tumblr.com
It's basically true. I feel like the movie industry does two things these days: develops books and comics into movies, or makes sequels to those movies. And if that's gonna be the pattern, then Dark Knight is a really good sign, because it really bridged the gap between serious art and money-making branding. Like I saw Hellboy 2 this week, and it was, whatever, like a solid 3 out of 10. Good effects, campy as shit jokes, super-standard plotline. Basically just free money for the studio. They obviously didn't waste any paying writers. Not that every movie has to be Junebug. But Batman proves that these companies can devote a lot of money and effort into making a legitimately quality movie and still be protected by the fact that a batman movie is basically a no-risk endeavor. I haven't seen Wall-E but i think that's sort of the same thing. Anyway, I've had a lot of people saying how awesome Christian Bale is, but I thought he got completely overshadowed - like, UTTERLY - by not just Heath Ledger, but definitely by Morgan Freeman and Maggie Gyllanhall too. I'll take Keaton any day, he put Nicholson to shame. Here's my take:
Batmen (that I know of) over the years:
I'm going to rank them
Top Bruce Waynes of all time
5. Adam West
Top Batmen of all time
1. Keaton/West (tie)
5. Clooney (4)
4. Kilmer (5)
2. West (6)
2. Bale (6)
1. Keaton (10)
Also for reference,
-Heath's Joker is easily the best/best-acted character in any batman, including any batman role, except for, of course, Alicia Silverstone's batgirl.
-for a long time, this
was the best scene in all of batman, but now it is, without a doubt, the completely fucking insane pencil trick
-Michael Gough's original Alfred is way better than Michael Caine's.
-Dark Knight was easily the best-written one yet.
-Cillian Murphy's Scarecrow, even more so than Heath's Joker... creepiest villain ever
-Maggie Gyllanhall > Katie Holmes, but it's close
I really hope someone picks a fight with these
Sat 29 Sept 07
Ha, here at Aveda to get my snips. I feel so weird alongside like 15 girls. I feel like this must be cb's existence.
Tue 2 Oct 07
Grandad chasing frisbee at beach (highest tide) falss right down on his face and breaks glasses. I come up + he has glass in both wrists and he's saying "Im dead" b/c they are in his wrists. There is no blood. Dad comes up to help and somehow decides to amputate his left leg. He starts to cut it off w a chainsaw, and Grandad starts to throw up. "Save the infection" dad says, and I make him throw up towards his right. But then dad starts to cut off his right arm (presumably to balance his gait) "funny thing" he says. Grandad is yelling + crying and saying something like "why?". The comes the right leg. I am right there in the middle. - Dream
"I love you so much I am going to let you kill me."
Thurs 11 Oct 07
...I don't think I'm out for the count there...
This morning is one of the most beautiful days I've ever seen. Weird-blue skies, low early sunlight like varnish, a few leaves making their way down, a helicopter somewhere.
Thursday 22 Nov 07
Thanksgiving. Last night we watched Home for the Holidays. It was better than ever, more heart breaking and true, maybe because I'm kind of cut now. I just got so sad after it and went upstairs and sat on the edge of my bed. I wasn't even tired, and depressed is wrong too. I just felt, well, I guess it was lonely, although that sounds so cliche. I thought back to the scene near the end where the dad says "Penny for your thoughts" and she says "I let him get away, didn't I," and the dad just goes back to singing. The line between resignation and acceptance. ... It's the first time a Christmas carol (but not all of them) has made me sad.
Sun 16 Dec 07
...In the morning was what I described. I had woken up a few times, first time sleeping in late in forever, and I woke up and just heard them all in there, cooking breakfast, already awake. I just wanted to go be in there more than anything, and I could, so easily. And did.
Sun 9 Mar 08
...Got to be careful though... Obsession gets you nowhere.
Tues 11 Mar 08
Dream last night that I was at a Justin Timberlake concert, except he was cooking us like Turkish lamb dishes. Really weird.
Wed 19 Mar 08
Sometimes I have the nicest little chats w/ people & it restores my faith in Law School... Today I wore my Hot Wheels watch I opened in my rice krispies, and I fuckin loved it. It made me want to accessorize 2 days/week.
Sun, Apr. 20th, 2008, 09:07 am
Sock it to me
This was the first music vid I can remember seeing, in like 7th grade or something. I've been trying to find it for years.
Think about Missy's lyrics and videos and media presence: She's definitely the most useful contemporary feminist I can think of.
in addition to this just being hilarious, i have two comments.
1. I really like that this is a damning commentary on the whole happy-slapping phenomenon. It's apparently all the rage these days to go around and video your friends randomly slapping people, punching them, whatever. It's like a jackass-type thing, except it hurts other people. how fuckin dumb.
put em in their place sandberg.
2. Also the fact that it turns into a zombie dance is amazing. One of my enduring everlasting interests is arbitrariness. It's interesting how arbitrary humor is really in these days. Like, humor is supposed to be funny b/c the result of some exchange is surprising - and that used to mean it was the opposite of what it was supposed to be. Like "oh that rabbit actually CAN kill arthurian knights, funny". Now I feel like the type of surprise is more "where the hell did zombies come from, funny". I wonder if that means anything, like, our mod culture is directionless or lacks associations or something. Ask a sociologist. Also I was telling jason last night, Re: arbitrariness, that I think there should be a rating system, zero - ten, for how arbitrary something is. For instance, the color red might have an arbitrariness rating of 2. Perriwinkle would be like 6. The interger #1 might have a rating of .02 out of 10. #0 might be like .2 out of 10. #455 might be like a 7 or 8. Zombies randomly attacking a happy slapper would be way up there.